unfiltered

I usually write in my head a lot. In fact, I am almost always writing something in my head, a story about my day, a letter that I need to send, a conversation I’d like to have. After I get a good bit written, then I sit down to edit and whittle away, taking some things out and adding others. Tonite as I took a shower I started to write my feelings about my day. I immediately begin to edit, thinking “no I can’t say that, that may be taken wrong,” or, “mmmm, someone might think that’s dumb.” As I wrote in my head these thoughts continued to play in the background. Then I realized – only for the umpteenth time – how very, very, very codependent I am. I am editing myself based on what some unknown face in the crowd may or may not think about me. Seriously?

So, on that note, showing for one nite only….hold onto your hats folks!.....Here she is…..Brooke Fox unfiltered!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I am heartbroken today as one of my very dear friends spent the day with her family honoring the life of her father and grieving his death.

I am thankful that I have an amazingly sensitive and caring husband who takes such amazing care of me and our babies. I am aware that so many women do not.

I am angry and frustrated at a healthcare system that I don’t understand and the fact that they are trying their darndest to make it impossible for me to get the treatments I need,

I am laughing out loud as I think of Finley’s silly antics and tearing up as I think of her giving me “loves” before she went to bed.

I am missing my momma. I want her to hold me while I cry. When you’re sick, don’t you just want your momma?

I am grieving Robyn’s statement today, “I wish I had a regular mom instead of a sick one.”

I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my sweet little family God has created. My Robyn, my Finley and my one and only Charles. They are the lights of my life.

I am fearful that even if we find a way to pay for the treatments that they won’t work.

I am worried for a friend who tends to worry as she worries worst case scenarios for her precious 1 year old baby girl.

I am wishing that my entire family; Mom and Dad, Charles, Me, Robyn and Finley, Shep, Mindy, Maddy, Sophie and John William, Michael and Susan, Josh and Jordan, and Amanda and Ben all lived within a 2 mile radius.

I am desperate to feel better, no matter what it takes.

I am so concerned that my mom not take this all on as her responsibility to fix.

I am inundated by the decisions that must be made in the next week.

I am annoyed with life’s little annoyances like litterboxes and rude drivers and running out of toaster waffles and eating gluten free.

I am delighted by life’s tiny little joys like Robyn and Finley’s giggles as they play together and Finley learning a new word and Robyn passing her math test and a yummy dinner made by Chef Charlé.

I am relieved that none of it is in my hands, but in the hands of my BIG, STRONG and MIGHTY GOD!

I am happy at the same time I am sad because my life is so filled with joy and blessing while simultaneously being unbelievably difficult.

This is me……unfiltered.